Dear Parent:
Yes, I have also noticed your son’s grade has taken a rather sudden and precipitous slide, going from an A- to a C- in just two short months. I’m sorry that I cannot agree with your prognosis that he’s struggling with the material, however. His skills are fine, with one rather embarrassing exception.

There is this naturally occurring phenomenon that scientists call “girls”, and your son’s attention span seems to be directly proportional to his proximity to said girls. I’m told the disorder wherein a boy begins to notice girls is called puberty, and it’s progressive and incurable. I’m at a loss for how to alleviate his obvious suffering, as I’ve already put him in the back row by himself, but he wanders over to gaze longingly and grin stupidly at whichever girl happens to be afflicting him this week.

I’m sure you’re doing your best as a parent to deal with this troublesome condition. As his English teacher, the best I can do is keep reminding him to sit his lovelorn butt down and get back to work. If you have other suggestions, please let me know. Keep in mind, we have no locker room, so cold showers are not an option.

Kindest regards,
Mrs. Levy

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